Killing time before I have to get up for work. I wanted to write this down while it was still fresh.
The last night I worked, I had 3 patients. That's quite a lot for icu, even if they were not true icu patients. So I ran my ass off for the first 4 hours of my shift. And then we got an admission. The patient was coding as we got her and she didn't make it. It was very surreal; the baby didn't even look real. She was a strange color and her face was distorted. I'd never been a part of a pediatric code before but I got put in the recording role as I had in the past. For those who don't know, there are multiple roles during a code. It doesn't look like what you see on TV. We had a nurse and a pharmacist drawing up meds, another nurse administering, a RT bagging, the doctor directing as well as trying to intubate the patient and give compressions, a NP relieving the doc every 2 minutes, and me, writing everything down and keeping time, telling everyone when things were due and when to switch spots to get a break. We also had a runner for supplies and another nurse if we needed another pair of hands. All for one tiny baby. Her parents acted as if it wasn't happening until it was over. And then everything stopped. I wish I could describe the scene adequately; the huge mess from all the supplies surrounding this tiny form, the mother almost screaming and the father stoic. They had been at a holiday party and were dressed fancily. I would have burned that dress as soon as I got home, if I were that mother.
The rest of the night, they stayed in the room holding their child. I had a newborn in a room nearby and I was quick to quiet her when she cried, trying to make her sleep as much as possible so hearing her wouldn't cause that family any more pain. I couldn't help comparing it to losing an adult and still can't decide which was harder. They both had people who loved them and so much ahead of them.
Our interim manager called in the morning and complimented me and my coworkers on how well we did. The three of us nurses had been hired in at the same time and we were considered not competent to handle the sicker kids - and they weren't shy in letting us know they felt that way about us. Only the charge nurse was experienced. I didn't want to accept any compliments. We didn't save her. I still felt like I couldn't succeed at this job and we only stayed on track because we had someone directing us who had done it a hundred times. All I felt was how much pain those parents were in and wishing things were different.( it's not graphic but...Collapse )
It really bothers me that nobody cared or wanted to celebrate when I got my bachelor's degree.
We just got back yesterday from 4 days at Disney. Never again in July. The crowds are too massive and it's way too hot. Disney itself was great. We stayed at the Port Orleans Riverside and it was gorgeous even in the muggy nastiness. We hung out with Steve and Jessica one evening and my mom came and stayed the night before Katelyn's birthday. I was really frustrated with Brendon and his electric scooter. It was a pain in the ass to deal with. Loading it on the buses takes forever and I feel like he's using it as a crutch. He's supposed to be getting more exercise and trying to get stronger and he would even use it when he had to go out to the car or to the food court at the hotel. We did have fun though, so I guess it all evens out.
I'm trying to turn over a new leaf. I'm employing UFYH as my cleaning strategy and I'm going to clean or do chores for at least 20 minutes a day no matter what. I didn't make my bed this morning but I'll do it tomorrow. Today I scrubbed in the bathroom, we cleaned out the fridge and I did dishes, and I did some laundry (which I need to put away but don't tell UFYH lady). I'm also going to make a budget and stick to it, at least savingswise. I want to buy a house. And I want to take Katelyn to Europe when she graduates. So I need to get my credit rating up so I can take advantage of the first time homebuyer programs.
I got accepted into the BSN program. BUT I have to lay out a chunk of cash for the background checks, fingerprinting, physical, immunization screening, and malpractice insurance. Yay. Oh, and Cynthia got in too so this is going to be fun. Bleah. Hopefully I can do the online component so I don't have to see her stupid face.
I don't feel like a nurse yet. Well, okay, maybe there have been some clinicals (especially at the end) where I felt like I was almost there. I know I have a long way to go. And I'm okay with that. I know that nursing is an ongoing learning process. I'm nowhere near done with school, either. This is just the first step.
I have so much hope for the future.
- Current Mood: grateful
So, full disclosure - we're required to do community service at school in order to pass our classes. So I joined the Step Out for Diabetes walk and I'm shilling for donations. :) I would appreciate any donations you guys can make. The walk is November 12.
Thanks for letting me rattle my cup. :)
- Current Mood: amused
I'm still waiting to hear about this job. I called the HR department but couldn't get hold of anyone.
Money is very tight.
I'm sick of being unhappy all the time. I'm trying to do little things for myself to feel better, but it's not working that well. It's like class days; when I'm there, things are good and I feel more like myself but the second it's over, I crash back down. I can't keep leaning on my classmates for help. They don't complain and they always act as if they are glad to help me/be around me, but past history has shown me that there comes a point for almost everybody that, if you go past it, they stop wanting to be around you.
I feel like this post is completely incoherent. Ugh. I guess I should go read up on GERD.
- Current Mood: frustrated
Right now I’m feeling…
Pain. Lots of pain.
When I’m alone I feel…
It depends. Sometimes I really like the quiet. Other times I hate it.
When I’m surrounded by people I feel…
Again, it depends. If I really like the people, I'm really happy. If they're strangers or people I don't like, I want to crawl into the nearest closet and hide.
One thing I hate is…
Being lied to.
One thing I really like about myself is…
I never give up - at least not permanently.
When I’m feeling sad I…
cry, watch something silly to make myself feel better, read one of my favorite books.
When I daydream it’s usually about…
A certain guy. Awful, I know.
I’m afraid of…
something bad happening to my kids.
I’m happiest when…
I'm with my friends, I'm reading an especially good book, I've made something especially yummy and everyone likes it, I'm being slobbered on by a dog, I'm getting hugs.
One thing that really worries me is…
If I could change one thing about myself it would be…
I'd make myself like to exercise.
If I could be with anyone right now I would be with…
The family member I am closest to is…
If I was really honest with my father I would tell him…
how badly he hurt me and how much I needed him.
One thing I regret about my life is…
Staying with Stupidhead as long as I did.
If I only had one more day to live I would…
spend it with the people I love.
If I was really honest with my mother I would tell her…
that she needs to stop saying nasty things "because she loves me."
One thing about me that nobody knows is…
How much I need to be touched. I'm terrified of looking needy and driving people away.
I hope that someday in the future…
I can have a good relationship.
When I think about my family I feel…
depends on the person. My brother and mom stress me out, my stepfather worries me, my daughter makes me feel happy, and Ben makes me want to lock him in his room some days.
Something I’m really embarrassed about is…
the fact that I can't hide my feelings. I have no poker face.
One thing about me I never want to change is…
my ability to love.
One thing I feel really proud of is…
that I went back to school and I'm doing pretty well.
I removed the last two questions because I don't belong to blogsville.
I'm also going to badger the schedule lady after I take my exam. The orientation for the clinical site I am assigned to is today. I really, really want to get into the other class. Wish me luck.
We had our last clinical day today; we weren't in the hospital, but it still counted as clinicals. Our instructor split us up so that no one who hangs out regularly was together but we ended up gravitating to one another anyway.
Tomorrow Bren has surgery and my grandmother is having a colonoscopy to verify if she has cancer. I really hope everything goes ok.
- Current Mood: stressed
- Current Mood: pissed off
NYTimes, the bastion of quality reporting, reported on the gang-rape of an 11 year-old girl in Texas that's led to charges against 18 high-school boys so far - all well and good so far, right? Shit like this NEEDS publicity to raise awareness.
Only problem is, they repeated - without refutation or critical commentary - the claims that the girl brought the rape on herself because of the way she was dressed.
( I'm cutting this because it's awful and it is triggering.Collapse )THIS IS RAPE CULTURE, PEOPLE.
Now, what's being said and done in this community is bad enough, but the NY Times should be fucking ashamed of themselves right now.
( Here's how to contact NYT: )
First day of clinicals tomorrow. Wish me luck!