If I really sit and think about leaving or divorcing, I don't want to. I do care about him and a big part of me doesn't want to deal with the drama and financial stress that would come with divorce. I'm angry and sad and scared and a whole lot of other complicated feelings. I guess I sound like a coward or a stupid asshole.
I'm sitting in Brendon's hospital room waiting for him to get back from a procedure. He was admitted on Thursday for a parathyroidectomy and was supposed to go home Friday but his fistula clotted off and his electrolytes have been out of control so I've spent all of my break so far dealing with this. And so have the kids. I'm just over it. I can't take a vacation without shit going wrong. We were supposed to go to Disney and that got cancelled due to the surgery and then we were supposed to go to Daytona to see my mom and her new condo but that's on hold now. If he gets released today, he won't be able to drive for at least 24 hours and I'll end up having to deal with taking care of his needs instead of relaxing, which is what *I* need.
And now I feel like a bitch for complaining. Fuck. I'm tired.
Killing time before I have to get up for work. I wanted to write this down while it was still fresh.
The last night I worked, I had 3 patients. That's quite a lot for icu, even if they were not true icu patients. So I ran my ass off for the first 4 hours of my shift. And then we got an admission. The patient was coding as we got her and she didn't make it. It was very surreal; the baby didn't even look real. She was a strange color and her face was distorted. I'd never been a part of a pediatric code before but I got put in the recording role as I had in the past. For those who don't know, there are multiple roles during a code. It doesn't look like what you see on TV. We had a nurse and a pharmacist drawing up meds, another nurse administering, a RT bagging, the doctor directing as well as trying to intubate the patient and give compressions, a NP relieving the doc every 2 minutes, and me, writing everything down and keeping time, telling everyone when things were due and when to switch spots to get a break. We also had a runner for supplies and another nurse if we needed another pair of hands. All for one tiny baby. Her parents acted as if it wasn't happening until it was over. And then everything stopped. I wish I could describe the scene adequately; the huge mess from all the supplies surrounding this tiny form, the mother almost screaming and the father stoic. They had been at a holiday party and were dressed fancily. I would have burned that dress as soon as I got home, if I were that mother.
The rest of the night, they stayed in the room holding their child. I had a newborn in a room nearby and I was quick to quiet her when she cried, trying to make her sleep as much as possible so hearing her wouldn't cause that family any more pain. I couldn't help comparing it to losing an adult and still can't decide which was harder. They both had people who loved them and so much ahead of them.
Our interim manager called in the morning and complimented me and my coworkers on how well we did. The three of us nurses had been hired in at the same time and we were considered not competent to handle the sicker kids - and they weren't shy in letting us know they felt that way about us. Only the charge nurse was experienced. I didn't want to accept any compliments. We didn't save her. I still felt like I couldn't succeed at this job and we only stayed on track because we had someone directing us who had done it a hundred times. All I felt was how much pain those parents were in and wishing things were different.( Collapse )
It really bothers me that nobody cared or wanted to celebrate when I got my bachelor's degree.
We just got back yesterday from 4 days at Disney. Never again in July. The crowds are too massive and it's way too hot. Disney itself was great. We stayed at the Port Orleans Riverside and it was gorgeous even in the muggy nastiness. We hung out with Steve and Jessica one evening and my mom came and stayed the night before Katelyn's birthday. I was really frustrated with Brendon and his electric scooter. It was a pain in the ass to deal with. Loading it on the buses takes forever and I feel like he's using it as a crutch. He's supposed to be getting more exercise and trying to get stronger and he would even use it when he had to go out to the car or to the food court at the hotel. We did have fun though, so I guess it all evens out.
I'm trying to turn over a new leaf. I'm employing UFYH as my cleaning strategy and I'm going to clean or do chores for at least 20 minutes a day no matter what. I didn't make my bed this morning but I'll do it tomorrow. Today I scrubbed in the bathroom, we cleaned out the fridge and I did dishes, and I did some laundry (which I need to put away but don't tell UFYH lady). I'm also going to make a budget and stick to it, at least savingswise. I want to buy a house. And I want to take Katelyn to Europe when she graduates. So I need to get my credit rating up so I can take advantage of the first time homebuyer programs.
I got accepted into the BSN program. BUT I have to lay out a chunk of cash for the background checks, fingerprinting, physical, immunization screening, and malpractice insurance. Yay. Oh, and Cynthia got in too so this is going to be fun. Bleah. Hopefully I can do the online component so I don't have to see her stupid face.
I don't feel like a nurse yet. Well, okay, maybe there have been some clinicals (especially at the end) where I felt like I was almost there. I know I have a long way to go. And I'm okay with that. I know that nursing is an ongoing learning process. I'm nowhere near done with school, either. This is just the first step.
I have so much hope for the future.
So, full disclosure - we're required to do community service at school in order to pass our classes. So I joined the Step Out for Diabetes walk and I'm shilling for donations. :) I would appreciate any donations you guys can make. The walk is November 12.
Thanks for letting me rattle my cup. :)